Caring vs. Carrying: A Leadership Distinction That Matters

Caring versus Carrying

We have all faced it. As leaders, we have each experienced a moment when we gave an employee a clear instruction, and it didn’t get done. The reasons will vary. They may have been distracted, reprioritized another request, misunderstood expectations, or, at times, chosen not to comply. Regardless of the cause, the moment itself presents a decision point. How will I respond?

"I get frustrated when people don’t do what I ask. When you ask me to do things, I do them. I assume people operate the same.”

As a parent, I have encountered this scenario many times, and I assume I am not alone. I instruct one of my children, and they disobey. I would like to see your room cleaned before you take the car to the movies. You know how the story continues. In both parenting and leadership, the choice is similar: do I address the situation, or do I let it slide? These moments reveal not just our management style, but our understanding of what it truly means to care. It is in these moments that we choose to be caring or carrying.

Ignoring commitments or tolerating the repeatable misalignment is carrying. The act of carrying places the weight of responsibility on the leader rather than where it belongs. It absorbs consequences, ignores the friction, and quietly teaches others that taking responsibility is optional.

Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. - Brené Brown

Caring, on the other hand, is more demanding and requires ownership of a commitment. Caring requires us to address behavior up front and clarify expectations. Caring does not remove responsibility, but instead reinforces it. When we care for someone, we are willing to have an uncomfortable conversation because we believe they are capable of growth.

The Cost of Carrying

Carrying often disguises itself under a cloak of empathy. We tell ourselves we are being gracious, understanding, or patient. We tell ourselves it is okay, and I will do it myself. Yet over time, excess carrying creates hidden costs and no consequences. Simultaneously, it erodes the trust of other team members who are observing the inconsistencies in management. It may also stunt the development of these individuals to hold themselves responsible. Worst of all, it creates leader fatigue as the burden of responsibilities accumulates at the top.

What Caring Looks Like in Practice

When caring is present in leadership, it is not permissive. Instead, it is a commitment to oneself to establish dignity, the importance of following through, and the clear expectations that one will follow up. Leaders who care make individuals aware of the gap between a behavior and the expectations. This form of ownership and assuming responsibility to lead protects the well-being of the leader and the team.

A Simple Reflection for Leaders

Caring honors people and basis, while carrying sacrifices principles for temporary comfort. Caring and carrying are only separated by two letters, yet the leadership implications are profound. When you find yourself frustrated, overextended, or quietly compensating for someone else’s results, it may be worth asking, Am I caring for this person, or am I carrying them? Reflecting on this question can unlock a different strategy, one rooted not in avoidance but instead in growth and genuine care.

Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things. - Peter F. Drucker